Archive for the ‘Date Your Mate’ Category

Dear TEACH TALK,

I really feel like I need some desperate help.  I can’t stand my husband. What is wrong with me and how can I get help? I don’t want to be or live like this, but I feel totally powerless to change, I have begged God to help to no avail. Do you think He really cares?

-Name Withheld

Dear Sister in Christ,

I can answer your last question easily…YES! God does care.  Marriage is extremely important to God, that’s evidenced throughout His Word. And, you are important to God, so He does care about how you feel.  He wants to teach you and lead you and He is sad in His heart when one of His children is struggling, feeling desperate and hopeless. That’s not what He created you to be and that’s not what He has for your marriage.  Remember that whatever God loves, Satan HATES.  So Satan hates marriage and will attack it anywhere he can. 

I know that you are not the first, nor the last, wife to feel this way.  I applaud you for speaking out about it because that is the first step to healing this area.  Keeping it to yourself will lead you to feeling isolated and believing that you are the only Christian woman who has ever felt this way, and that is simply not true.  Make sure that you are not telling yourself lies to add to the struggle you are undergoing.   “I am horrible to feel this way.  I am not a good wife.  I am the only person who has ever not felt love toward her husband…” are lies that will only make you feel worse. Catch those thoughts and call them out for what they are – lies from the pit – and replace them with a scripture.  Don’t make your burden heavier than it is (which, when you’re done, will be lightened!).  So a simple first step is to seek out a verse or two to help train your mind while your feelings are mending. Then catch those lies that you hear inside your head.  I often use the verse Philippians 4:8 in this way.  

⁸Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

I will ask myself “Is what I am thinking true? Is it right?” If the answer is “no” then I know that my mind is not dwelling on what God would have me dwell on. 

So, for example, if you find yourself thinking “I am a terrible wife because I do not like my husband.” Then I challenge you to Philippians 4:8 it.  Are you a terrible wife?  NO.  You are a wife who is trying to work out a real issue.  That does not make you terrible. That lie will glue you to one spot and not allow you to move forward.   It’s true that you want to move from the place of feeling the way you do about your husband to be where you think and feel love toward him, but what I’m getting at right now is to not add to your problems by believing lies (“I am a terrible wife.”)  You can acknowledge that what you are feeling is not ideally what God would have you think or feel, but that you are bringing it before Him and asking Him to heal this area. But I sense that you’ve been asking God to change your feelings.  I wonder if God would have you change your thoughts and then your feelings would follow?

After this “quick start” step of addressing the lies, you can begin to dig deeper and address the root issue.  And with that, again, you will first train your mind, then the feelings will follow.  I think you will find encouragement to do this, and much more, in Lorrie’s book “Loving Your Knight In Shining Armor, Even When He Doesn’t Shine.”  Also, from Scripture, Romans 12:1-2 instructs us that when we “transform our mind” then we will be able to do God’s will. And loving your husband is definitely in God’s will! 

Finally, when you think “I just don’t love him” you need to remind yourself that as a Christian woman, you are a vessel, or tool, of God.  God loves your husband and you are the vessel that He has chosen to show Christ’s love to your husband.  When I am tempted to think “But I can’t show love to my husband because…” I like to take myself back to the Last Supper, when Jesus washed the disciples feet.  How many disciples were present at the time Jesus did this?  Eleven?  No.  All twelve were present.  Judas had not yet left the dinner.  So Christ Himself, knowing that in just hours Judas would betray Him, showed love to Judas and washed His feet.  If Christ can do this as an example to us, is there anything we can’t do for our husbands, regardless of what they’ve done to us? So, remind yourself that while you may not feel love toward your husband at the moment, God loves him and you can be the instrument that delivers God’s love, even to the point of washing feet.

The next step is to find a mentor, Christian counselor or someone at your church that you feel safe speaking to about this.  I cannot say enough about the importance of having someone more mature to help us in this.  Is there a Pastor’s wife or older, godly woman at your church that you can approach?  Please don’t say “I just don’t have time” or “I don’t know how I’d make that work” or anything like that.  How you feel about your husband right now needs all your attention and needs to be on the top of your priority list. If you need to hire a babysitter so that you can meet with a mentor, make it work somehow.  It’s not a quick fix, either.  I suspect that there are layers of things that have brought you to the point you are now; you want to address those, not just acknowledge them. So often we women will acknowledge a problem and think that we’ve “fixed” it, but that is usually far from the truth.  There is usually something deeper that is feeding our issue and we must speak to that root issue. Be prayerful about who you can ask. 

I hope you know that there is hope. You can heal from this.  It will not be easy.  It will require some confession and repentance on your part, plus some retraining of your mind.  Feelings always, always follow our faith, so trust in faith that Christ wants to heal your marriage. 

In Christ,

Donna Venning

TEACH Talk Editor

Post note:  Generally, letters to TEACH are answered by Lorrie Flem.  In this case, the letter was addressed to TEACH TALK editor Donna Venning, so she responded to this letter. 

Making a Good Marriage Great

Mrs. Donna Venning

Even good marriages have areas that could use tweaking every now and then.  To take that step from good to great, try applying some of these tips; these are common areas that “good” marriages can easily overlook when things are sailing along smoothly. 

G – God at the center.  Every good marriage can become greater if God is at the center of it.  Double check your attitude: are you following Philippians 2 (considering others better than yourself?).  Most of us, even when striving to be a godly wife, can fall short and use some improvement in this area. 

R – Read the Word together.  If you cannot read together daily, set aside one time a week that you can read as a couple. Use a devotional book or simply read a chapter from the Bible and then discuss it.

E  - Entice his interest. Think of little ways you can arouse your husband’s desire and interest. A new perfume or lotion in a scent he likes; a new negligee from the clearance rack (instead of your usual t-shirt and sweats) or a lingering kiss and a raised eyebrow when you say “I’m heading up to bed now” send signals he’ll pick up on. You may be a willing partner when he makes advances, but surprise him by being the instigator.  He’ll love that you find him desirable. 

A  - Ask his permission, advice or opinion.  Often we wives get so involved in running things, making decisions and taking care of the schedule that we forget to include our husbands in the decisions. Even if he usually goes along with your plans, try asking him for his input before you make a commitment.  Good friends call and invite you over for dinner this weekend?  Instead of saying “Sure, of course” try saying “Let me check with Jim and call you back.”  Husbands enjoy being respected and asking his opinion is a great way of showing respect.

T – Talk to each other.  Set aside at least 15 minutes a day to talk about normal things.  Do not use this time to talk about the kids’ schoolwork, your “to do” list for the evening or the month’s budget.  Talk about everyday things; for example, my husband enjoys listening to a particular radio host every day.  As often as possible, I try to tune into the show for a few minutes in the afternoon; then when Ed gets home that night, I can talk to him about something that interests him. “Did you hear the caller today who asked the radio host about such-and-such?  What did you think of his response?”  

For more ideas on making a good marriage great, check out our Marriage Bundle, on sale this week!  Click here to see everything you’ll get this week for just one low price of $24.97! That’s $15 off the regular price. Offer valid October 15-21st, 2009. Enter “GREATMARRIAGE” as the coupon code to receive the discount.